Saying Good-Bye to My Heart

As my mom drove away I felt as if a big piece of my heart was leaving me…

Fridays have become my favorite day of the week.  That’s the day I usually get Yuri ❤ and I am always eager to hold him in my arms again.  My [amazing] boyfriend usually gets his youngest daughter, who is Yuri’s age, to come along for the ride and we make the short trip from Anaconda to Helena.  Picking him up from school on Friday’s has become the single most-important thing for me to do.

When I walked in his school last Friday he looked at me with a beaming smile and yelled out my name (mommy).  It melted my heart 😍 to know how exicited little guy was to see me. The teacher said that Yuri had literally just got done telling them about how I was going to be there to pick him up.  He hurried to get his things and rushed out the door.  He said to me, “mommy, I missed you. Mommy, I love you”.

Our weekend was pretty alright.  He played with the girls some.  Saturday I took him to Discovery – I wanted to get him up there before the season ended and he had been asking to go.  He was so excited to ride the “chair-lifter” again and he didn’t want me to ride the magic carpet with him because he could do it all by his self, the big guy.  That night we rented a Scooby-Doo movie and snuggled.  After I got him to sleep I got a little sad; tomorrow he would be going back with his dad.

I am thankful for my mother.  If I didn’t have my mom I would have to say good-bye to my son at noon on Sundays.  According to [somebody I hate] it’s only fair to “collect him back” at noon since I pick him up at noon.  Yeah that’s fair alright, considering he only allows me to have him four days a month.  Luckily I have a mom who is starting to care that makes sure she gets some time with her grandson who agrees to meet up on Sunday’s.

So, last Sunday we met in Butte. The kids got some icecream cones and floats while us adults talked.  Even though I was present, I was in another world.  I was having to say good-bye to my pride and joy again.  As soon as he saw his granny, he looked at her and then he looked at me and he ran up to hold on to my leg and started to cry softly.  If any of you other mother’s out there ever have this happen?  How do you deal with it?  It’s the worst feeling I ever experience.

As we said good-bye he started crying, saying that he didn’t want to go.  The look in his eyes made me feel like I was abandoning him and I wanted to cry… But I felt like I needed to stay strong – for me and him.  He did not want to go and letting him go was the last thing in the world I wanted.  I felt empty as my mother drove off.

There is nothing stopping me from keeping my son… Except the people in my life that say it’s better for me to comply with his father’s wishes until mediation is over and we go to court.  They also tell me that Yuri belongs with me.  If he does then why are they saying that I should go along with a control-freak’s wishes?  I know that their intentions are good but I just want to say, “exactly whose side are you on, anyways,”?


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I Won’t Fight…

I don’t want to fight anymore…

I was 19 when I first met him. We worked together. I was head over heels for him. Basically, I would do anything he asked me to if it made him happy. I was a pathetic puppy that was depressed and uncomfortable if he wasn’t near.

I am 25 now. Six long, messed up years have passed. There was so much fighting. Even more tears. Underneath all of that though… underneath all of the lies and the cheating, the drugs and the stealing… there was love. There has always been that love, and there always will be. At least, I will always have love for him.

The abuse had always been present since the very beginning. It started with the emotional abuse. Then came the drug abuse. Last of all, what is a fucked up, completely suicidal relationship without the physical abuse? Any form of abusive relationship you can think of could categorize with his and mine. We were not a happy couple.

I was 21 when I got pregnant, and that was when I decided I wasn’t going to fight back anymore. I still loved him though and it was very hard to let go. I suffered through more of the abuse and we eventually ended up living together. It only lasted for so long before it got too intense for me. He stole my medication one night before he went out drinking with some friends. When he got back he was blacked out and belligerent. I will spare you the gruesome details, but I will tell you this, I ended up calling the police and getting a restraining order that night. I also dropped out of my college classes that week. I was heartbroken.

I ended up in the psych ward while our families took care of our 6 mo. old baby boy.

I don’t want to fight anymore…

It’s been a long road – not one that I would advise just anybody to travel down. Yuri is 3 now, he will be 4 in October. He is such a smart, sweet, caring, and comforting little boy. He loves his daddy very much… I still wince whenever his daddy moves too quickly or suddenly. I also have trust issues – I tend to lay my trust with people that aren’t worthy of it. Things aren’t as they seem.

Earlier in the month, Yuri’s dad served me with custody paperwork. I feel like I am being suffocated. He waited until I am at my most vulnerable to attack. Again.

It’s been about two years since he proposed to me. The night he proposed was when it finally hit me that I was unhappy. It was a huge slap in the face to realize that I was wasting my time with somebody I loved so much. Wasting my time because I knew that the fighting would never cease to be. Wasting my time because I put in 90% of the effort to make things work between us. Wasting my time because he was still under the impression that he couldn’t do things anymore because of our son. When I said no, that’s when my hopes of him being a good father started to spiral downwards and they spiraled fast.

He quit his job and hitch-hiked to the coast. He met a young girl who was a prostitute, apparently, and traveled the coast with her and their road companion. It occurred to me then that this man would never be able to experience the same feelings that I held for our baby boy. This was when I tried to get custody with the courts. Custody that they wouldn’t give to me because the boys father had no mailing address. Custody they wouldn’t grant me because his dead-beat father wasn’t around anyways. Custody that he now has a right to, because his new girlfriend wants him to be a father.

I don’t want to fight anymore…

I have called the authorities on Yuri’s father at least once a year since he was conceived. He has tossed me around many more times than that – including while I was pregnant. I never followed through on pressing charges. I thought that it would only fuel his anger and resentment towards me and our son. About a month ago, I went to pick up my son after snowboarding for the day and he refused to hand him over. He called the cops on me. He told them that I had been drinking and that he didn’t feel comfortable with handing over the parenting responsibilities to me at the time..

It is true that I had been drinking that day, however, I had not had a drink for a few hours and was sober by the time I had gotten there. The police officers released custody to me that night and did not leave without warning me in front of Yuri’s dad to file for a parenting plan with the county judge. I said to them, I said, “This is something I will not give the government control of.” A week later I was served the paperwork.

Maybe I am letting my pride get in the way. Maybe it’s because I know he just needs control. Maybe it’s because this is about more than just power. Maybe it’s because I am weak. Or maybe…

I don’t want to fight anymore…

I am not filing the paperwork to petition back. If he wants control this bad I will let him have it. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to handle this situation like civil parents – opportunities he refused to grasp. He is the one that chose to be a dead-beat for the first three years of our child’s life, if he wants to make things harder for his son out of revenge for me that is his call. In the end it will be his guilty conscience on the line. In the end I know that I did everything I could to include him in our life.

I don’t want anyone to think I am giving up on my son, because that is not the case. I simply am just tired of fighting with his father. If control is what he needs right now, I will let him have it; I will never give up on giving my son the life he deserves just because his father is in control. I am not giving up on my son because I won’t pay the fee to petition a custody-battle against his father. I just won’t do it. Why do I need to propose a war with the man that gave me the most important gift in life to prove my love for my child? No. I won’t do it.

He has changed a lot over the last year. I think his heart is growing, for our son at least. He is working and I don’t think he will keep me from having Yuri half- time. He just wanted control in writing… but I will not sign away my right as being a mother. Not to the government. I still have love for him, and I love my son to the moon and the stars and back. That is why I will end the war by not petitioning back. No war is a better war.

I don’t want to fight anymore… but I won’t give up on my son.

-Ari, ❤


[Yuri from when he was just a couple months old]