Learning In July

Back in May, I wrote my first post, Happy-Nests, for this new blog of mine.  The entirety of the post was to pursue a new passion, and that by June I would mainly be camping for the summer with my son, Yuri.

Although I did pursue many passions, my job falling into one of those passions, as well as this blog, I didn’t get to go camping as much as was originally planned.  Without regret I shift my blame solely on Yuri’s father – for the simple reason of him being a totally selfish pig.  If you wish to know why I do so, my Mother’s Day post can surely give you a glimpse as to why.  I did take Yuri camping though,





and we had a blast!  Yuri loved his new sleeping bag (and I loved mine as well), and he loved drinking hot cocoa and making hot dogs and smore’s.

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Map’s Little Treasures

Waters raged against the river bank, wind blew hard. Rena shivered as the sails flapped violently. We need to find shelter... Andy looked to the skies – clouds rapidly closed out the blue, changing to a dark grey. Sam took a pull from his flask wondering if they would make it. There were no trees in sight; thunder was coming, and with thunder comes lightning. Rena, Andy, and Sam had little time to devise a plan. They could not afford to fail.

Andy guessed they had about 20 minutes left until it began to pour. Sailing west while the wind blew to the east, they had no choice but to row. All they needed was to find a few trees to tie up the tarp. Too much was at stake to keep on – they wouldn’t be much use if the maps were soaked. They needed to pick up speed. He pulled out his telescope to search for refuge. Just beyond the bend, a minor climb up the mountain from the bank, was a patch of trees on a flat. A surge of relief powered through his bones. “Ahoy, mates! Home, just is around the bend!”

The wooden boat rocked back and forth as the waves splashed wildly up at them. Rena and Sam rowed with all the strength they had gathered together. Keeping up with the current was difficult as they were up against the wind, but they managed. Andy steered the ship’s wheel as they descended upon the northern-shore. Anchor dropped and sails secured -thunder rolled (one, two, three, four, five) and lightning crashed- they readied their packs for the hike.

Setting up camp proved to be more difficult than what they hoped for due to winds. As they ate berries from journey of yesterday’s, Sam took another pull of rum and listened to the rain pour loudly onto soil. This was day six away from their real temporary home. He grabbed his pack and pulled out his leather-bound and pen. He was to write his wife and to add the days routes to his maps.

Dearest Rosette,
It is day six and the rain has stalled our trip. We have travelled far and seen much. But I miss you… If only you had come with, I assure you, this miserable loneliness would cease to be

Sam stopped writing only to look up and see that Andy and Rena were interlocked in each other’s arms, lips gently pressed against each others. Chills crawled up his spine. He missed Rosette only that much more. Why didn’t she want to come with? After all, this journey was her idea. Newlyweds, Sam and Rosette discussed their future, Rosette wanting to move out west. Sam called for his cousin, Andy, and they developed plans to find a homestead in Montana… and then Rosette discovered she had became pregnant with child.

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He’s getting mean… Mother’s Day must be approaching..

I know how this must sound.. absolutely horrible! Since I have been a mother, I have always kind of dreaded Mother’s day.. Oh gosh, it sounds worse than horrible.

My reasoning? Only because it’s the time of year my son’s dad becomes mean. He is always kind of mean to me, but I mean he gets really MEAN!

In 2010, the year I was pregnant, he told me that he hated me. That he had cheated on me. Basically told me to go to hell. It was a very emotional experience for me while I was pregnant. Couldn’t he have waited until after Mother’s Day?

In 2011 he told me that I was on my own and moved 3 hours away to work in a lumber mill.

In 2012, a couple months after I turned his tacky marriage proposal down, he decided he was going to be a traveling west coast bum. On mother’s day he called me while he was having sex with some girl in a hot tub in Seattle.. told me, “Happy Mother’s Day, bitch.”

In 2013 he had moved back home, found a new girlfriend, and completely changed his mind about being a dad. Now he has a girlfriend to impress. He started harassing me about getting to spend more time with our son (sure, after all the hard parts are over). Mother’s Day he told me that I am going to be just like my crazy mom and that his new girlfriend will make a better mother than I ever will.

We are all a year older now.. I kind of thought that we had grown past all of the animosity. Apparently not. He served me with custody paperwork a couple days ago. He wants full custody. It’s not exactly mother’s day quite yet.. just the week leading up to, c’mon!

Thanks, guy!

I guess I shouldn’t be THAT upset. The guy wants to take initiative.. finally.

It is that just last year I withdrew my child support case… because he didn’t like to involve the government. Mister communist.

It is because when I went to do custody paper work, they never went through because he didn’t have a home address. Also, his parents convinced me that it was pointless to push the paperwork… that he’s going to do whatever he wants to do for now. He might come around, eventually…

It is because I have been gradually moving towards a half-custody schedule with him. He is overly entitled. He doesn’t respect my wishes. He has no appreciation for me..

It is because custody decided by a county judge is for the married and divorced…

I am pissed because my son’s father’s thirst for power and control over me seems like it will continue to be a never-ending battle.

So, to another very dismal Mother’s Day for me. All I can do is let it go. Forgive. Have the best weekend with my son I can create. We’ll be camping at the lake. Something about the freedom of being outdoors and in nature, the patience that comes with fishing, and the after smell of the campfire on my clothes just calls to me.




Happiness, to me, seems to be elusive and mysterious. Not so much the feeling, but more as to it being a lifestyle. Sure, I will have a feeling of happiness pass through me; taking Yuri fishing for the first time, realizing the progress I made snowboarding this season, laughing with friends – so yeah, I know what it is like to feel happy. What’s been puzzling me, as of late, are the tears. The feelings of depression, loneliness, social anxiety, defeat.. So the times when I am laughing and smiling and feel at peace, am I really happy?

At the end of 2013 I had just finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The year had proved to be pretty rough.. Hospitalized and treated because of a nervous breakdown. I had been separated from my 2 y.o. boy. Moved around to different cities with different family members. No work. Found out who my real friends were.. or weren’t. A couple failed relationships. You get the idea, not too much fun was had. Creating a “Happiness Project” for 2014 sounded like a good idea.

Mid-December I got a call from the local ski hill for a job as a lift operator. It was an opportunity impossible to turn down. The benefits alone seemed like heaven – I was getting the chance to pursue an old passion practically for free, and even get paid to be up there! The job offer gave me incentive to write an outline for my project. If I was going to take the job, for fuck sake, I might as well give it my all.

Or, at least I had the intention to.

Before I began working again I had been spending a lot of my time doing various, kind-of laid back sorts of things. I was with my son all the time. I brought him everywhere with me. I had been single for 3 months and planned on taking a year off from dating. My heart was exhausted. I also occupied time with crafting, skating, and folfing. With the addition of my dream-job for earned-income, my life was beginning to feel hopeful.

January’s project was “to embrace my authentic self”. It started out pretty rocky… I had a lot of self doubt. I was crying all the time. Negative reflections filled my head. I was late to work a couple times. Much much pity party. Fuck. To top my worm-dirt pie off, I had given up on my year-of-single-life pact. Somewhere down the line I had gotten side-tracked and completely forgot about my happy project.

As I look back on the past 4 months I have to pick apart the pieces where I felt success. I feel as if I was a good employee, I know I will be going back next season. Also, I have been avidly searching for a civil medium of respect and appreciation for Yuri(my son)’s father. It continues to show that it is very difficult to let go of my resentment towards him and our past, however, our communication has greatly improved since January. I think the last positive piece I will make note of are the bridges I have burnt. I know that sounds quite dismal, actually, but I mean it with optimism. They have allowed me to reflect on how things really were and has encouraged me to walk a different (in the end, most likely better) path. One door has closed, and two more have opened.

The main thing that repeatedly gets me on the down is my living situation. I share a room with my son (who is now 3) in a household made up of four generations (all with very different ideals of how life should be managed). Although my grandparents are snowbirds and had migrated to warmer weather for most of the winter, I was still stuck butting heads with my mother. My grandparents returned middle of April, and since, I have been searching obsessively for alternative living. I’ve looked at places that would prove to be suitable for just Yuri and me, and with the hopeful prospect of allowing pets. Not a lot to pick from in Helena considering my budget. I have looked into considering possible room-mates. It would slightly help out with costs. It’s pretty hard to find a room-mate having a kid in mind, though. Impossible.

Does it sound like I’m making up excuses? I think I might be. Why haven’t I left behind all the “unbearableness”?

I’m scared that I might screw it all up. I’ve never been one to spend my money wisely… What if something terrible happens? Like the house floods in the spring? Or the landlord ends up being horrible and mean… I don’t know the first thing about what the best energy and heat sources are… I’m pretty damn clueless…

All things considered, after a house showing today, I felt like I just wasn’t good enough. I felt that there would be no chance in me getting the house so what is the point of even applying? I made up my mind and drove to the sports store, Bob Ward’s, with Yuri. I bought a tent and some sleeping bags.

We are camping out this summer!

I just need to buy myself some time. Time to research the best possible and affordable living situation for my son and me. Time to learn to spend my money wisely. Time to find my inner peace. I just want a little bit of time to find some happiness…

I missed a few months of projects. February’s theme was supposed to be about, “Letting it go”. I wanted to focus on bi-parenting with Yuri’s dad, acknowledging feelings, and treasuring memories instead of dwelling. March’s theme was to “Boost my Energy”. Focus on sleep, exercise, diet. Vitality. April’s was “Lighten Up”. Shit happens. Hakuna Matata. Don’t take it personally type of stuff. I didn’t really get a chance to develop on any of these things but I am going to keep them in mind with May’s theme: Pursue a Passion.

I have many things I am passionate about. Music. Arts and crafts.. Extreme sports… My career has never really been something I would say I am passionate about. That was until I started working at the ski hill. I tried college a couple of different times; I started nursing school and then switched to teaching. Neither were for me and the only jobs I have ever had were pretty much dead-end food service jobs. When I started doing something so close to something I love is when I started to really think about my career. I want to be outdoors. This is my calling.

So.. I’m going to camp-out this summer. For the month of June at least. I also have to keep in mind that I start another seasonal job at the end of May. I have until the 1st of June to gather supplies and devise a plan.


A question that keeps popping up in the back of my mind is: how will I do this with Yuri and will it work out?

Everything is just kind of overwhelming and intimidating at them moment. Like I said, though, I made up my mind. For now, a tent will be the nest of our near future, and I will begin this adventure with a full heart. -Ari