Words That Need to be Said

The tears sting as they roll down my face…

……….

If only I never panicked, then you wouldn’t have to go.  The excuse, “my mental illness took over,” is no good reason for this seperation.  I wish there was someway for me to prove that you were never in danger – I was afraid of going away. I didn’t want to say good-bye.

You see, son, I never should have been driving that day.  My license was just suspended (meaning that I violated a traffic law so the judge didn’t want to allow me to drive for a little while) and I didn’t want to be stuck in Helena all summer.  I had already been planning on moving.  I thought it would be good to get away.  So when I noticed the policeman behind us I got scared because I was being naughty.

It’s even harder to explain to you, sweet child, then it was to the officers…  One of my turn-signals wasn’t working, and when the cruiser followed me my heart dropped into my stomach because I knew that I was going to have to go with them for a couple nights.  That’s when I entered another world, and I slowed down but literally, could not stop.  An invisible force wouldn’t allow it.  Now, to anybody else that would sound crazy, however, you are young and innocent and can believe in such phenomena in this nature.  To clear this up I never intended on, “getting away.”

To be completely honest, I think that I just needed a few more minutes to calm down and grasp the situation.  Anyways, I got into trouble because I was doing something I wasn’t suppose to be doing.  The policemen were disappointed in me, and even upset because I worried them a little.  With the police, if you don’t do what they ask right away they get concerned and start to think that something might be wrong.  So I was in even more trouble and that is when they let me call Papa to come get you. 

I only had to go away for just a little while, but during that time your daddy took it upon himself to make the decision for you to move in with him.  It’s been awhile since I got into trouble and I haven’t got use to you living with daddy instead of me.  Sometimes it makes me cry because I miss you so much.  It’s even harder to see you cry when I have to go. 

I don’t like to go.  It’s only for a little while.

……….

I don’t like looking back on things and calling them mistakes. I’d like to say that I live with no regrets. I am where I am because of choices I have made and this & that. I have learned my lessons enough for a lifetime though… I have done some stupid things and now suffer the consequences. My time away from Yuri is painful. Yes, I have some wonderful people over here in my corner who support me and guide me and that is great… But every day that Yuri is gone I suffer. I suffer inside because I did this and it’s pure agony.

There is more to the story, and you are free to make your judgements, but I must ask you to look at yourself first. Everyone is facing their own demons, and everyone can use one less judgement. The world would be a much better place if we instead tried to do a little more listening and understanding and a lot less gossiping and judging. That’s all.

-Ari

Saying Good-Bye to My Heart

As my mom drove away I felt as if a big piece of my heart was leaving me…

Fridays have become my favorite day of the week.  That’s the day I usually get Yuri ❤ and I am always eager to hold him in my arms again.  My [amazing] boyfriend usually gets his youngest daughter, who is Yuri’s age, to come along for the ride and we make the short trip from Anaconda to Helena.  Picking him up from school on Friday’s has become the single most-important thing for me to do.

When I walked in his school last Friday he looked at me with a beaming smile and yelled out my name (mommy).  It melted my heart 😍 to know how exicited little guy was to see me. The teacher said that Yuri had literally just got done telling them about how I was going to be there to pick him up.  He hurried to get his things and rushed out the door.  He said to me, “mommy, I missed you. Mommy, I love you”.

Our weekend was pretty alright.  He played with the girls some.  Saturday I took him to Discovery – I wanted to get him up there before the season ended and he had been asking to go.  He was so excited to ride the “chair-lifter” again and he didn’t want me to ride the magic carpet with him because he could do it all by his self, the big guy.  That night we rented a Scooby-Doo movie and snuggled.  After I got him to sleep I got a little sad; tomorrow he would be going back with his dad.

I am thankful for my mother.  If I didn’t have my mom I would have to say good-bye to my son at noon on Sundays.  According to [somebody I hate] it’s only fair to “collect him back” at noon since I pick him up at noon.  Yeah that’s fair alright, considering he only allows me to have him four days a month.  Luckily I have a mom who is starting to care that makes sure she gets some time with her grandson who agrees to meet up on Sunday’s.

So, last Sunday we met in Butte. The kids got some icecream cones and floats while us adults talked.  Even though I was present, I was in another world.  I was having to say good-bye to my pride and joy again.  As soon as he saw his granny, he looked at her and then he looked at me and he ran up to hold on to my leg and started to cry softly.  If any of you other mother’s out there ever have this happen?  How do you deal with it?  It’s the worst feeling I ever experience.

As we said good-bye he started crying, saying that he didn’t want to go.  The look in his eyes made me feel like I was abandoning him and I wanted to cry… But I felt like I needed to stay strong – for me and him.  He did not want to go and letting him go was the last thing in the world I wanted.  I felt empty as my mother drove off.

There is nothing stopping me from keeping my son… Except the people in my life that say it’s better for me to comply with his father’s wishes until mediation is over and we go to court.  They also tell me that Yuri belongs with me.  If he does then why are they saying that I should go along with a control-freak’s wishes?  I know that their intentions are good but I just want to say, “exactly whose side are you on, anyways,”?

-Ari

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Let Us Begin, Again

It’s been awhile.  I haven’t written for my blog since July of last year.  I’m not proud of myself.  I don’t really have an excuse except, I guess, the generic reply, “life caught up to me.”  I just let go of it for awhile.

Let’s see.. looking at my posts from last year between May and July it seems as if I was.. hmmmmm.. a littttle manic.  I had the ideas to write.  Some subjects were a little off the wall I can admit.  What do you expect?  I’m schizoaffective.  Others were well-written and important to me.  Now, however, I just can’t seem to get the creative-writing juices flowing.

I want this blog to be able to reach others like me.  Whether that is other unconventional mothers, girls who at times let their brain disorders get in the way of living their life, or just other bloggers who like to blog and read blogs like mine.  I have already met some very interesting people through wordpress.  We’ve shared views and gave our two cents.  There are also so many different subjects of interest in the blogging community.  I don’t know why I let myself slack on the bliggety-blogging.

I will have fun posts.  Serious posts.  Emotional posts.  True posts.  A few fictions here and there. Adventuresome posts. Poetic posts.  Hilarious posts.  Educational posts.  Offensive posts.  Inspiring posts.  All kinds of posts!

I suppose I can give myself the goal of posting once a week.  Such things as writing challenges with yeahwrite.com and journaling and surfing other blogs for ideas will help me with that.  I want to be able to find my writing style by posting often.  Find my voice.  Maybe one day something great will come of it.

So let me begin by telling you a little about myself:  Wait a minute… where has the rum gone?

Friday Night Think Tank: All The Bad Things

I was never really one for going to church, however, there are a few things I have learned through the years. First is the speak no evil, hear no evil, and see no evil… when I was the young I was the goth girl who had that shirt with the fairies on it posing those gestures.

Another lesson is ask and you shall receive. Have you ever seen or read, “The Secret”? It’s basically about how the world you see is a reflection of how you perceive yourself. The more positive your thoughts are the better your life gets.

Maybe it’s the anarchist in me, but I don’t buy into the mainstream media, because most if it is bullshit. One of those, “gotta see it before I believe it,” chicks.

All that being said, I know there is evil and there are tragedies in the world because I have witnessed it, and they are difficult to face. Every single one of us have our own demons to face – some people need help facing them – and life can get pretty chaotic when we do face those demons. I get pretty scared of my own life. As long as I remember to trust my heart and put my faith in peace the dangers won’t get to me. If I allow myself to follow my dreams the spirits will continue to guide me.

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

Doc BrownIt’s Friday, Modern Philosophers.

I needed to take a little time to clear my head before heading out to the Think Tank for our weekly Philosophical Exercise.  The Deep Thoughts needed some space to bounce around, and there was too much nonsense cluttering up my mind.

While this is a humor blog, things do get a bit serious on Friday nights when we gather to get Philosophical.  I think it’s good to change things up a little, and this blog’s goal is to inspire both laughter and Deep Thoughts.

Of course, there’s also a financial reason for the more serious posts.  The blog’s two main sponsors are The Doc Brown Charitable Foundation and The Trust For The Furthering Of Philosophical Thinking.  Doc could care less what I blog about, but the folks who write the checks for the Trust insist upon at least on deeply profound Philosophical post a…

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He Loves Me, Loves Me Not

“Ya oughtta be careful what you say around her. She’s the town spermologer”.

When I first heard these words I scoffed. So what, she can’t be all bad. I believe I can handle anything that comes my way; a gossip queen can’t do me no harm.

Or can she?

I went into work the next day, and Liz says to me, she says, “Mourning Wildflower…”. I about choked on my coffee. She looked me up and down with her one good eye – her bad eye glazed like a blueberry donut – hand on her hip – left foot tapping – arms crossed, “Well?”, she asked accusingly.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, miss”.

Crisis adverted. How did she know?

Randy’s birthday is coming up on the 27th. He would have been at Wildflower last week if the transmission hadn’t given out on the last home stretch. As soon as the little red Toyota broke down he took out his yellow bic-lighter. Map in flames he let it fall to the ground. As he stepped onto the pavement the tow truck pulled up. Some kind of birthday month.

Back at headquarters, I was fixing
the little problems Yuri and I was facing. One, I couldn’t go back to work knowing Liz was on to me. Two, it’s time to move on anyways . Catch ya’ll the flip side.

Duct-tape in hand, Randy skates over to the next lamp post.

“Ya didn’t have to quit, Ari.”

I hand him a poster. What was I supposed to do? Let them mock me about my dead boyfriend?

“I don’t think they were mocking you, hun. They were probably trying to help guide you”. He skated over to the cork-board kiosk and did a plea-aye.

I hand him another poster. I look down at my iPod. Everything on my grooveshark account is playing by twos… Whatever You Like, Whatever You Like, Bukowski, Bukowski, Montage, Montage, Doesn’t Remind Me, Doesn’t Remind Me… God, who’d wanna be such a control freak?

“You can throw them a curve-ball, A-train”.

Wildflower is a big, witch-y, family reunion held in the mountains of my beautiful home state. It’s host of some of the best disc-golf tossers in the nation. Every year we have a tournament in the hills. Every year the location changes. And every year only a select number of homies get the maps to our destination. I guess it’s kind of like a sub-let party of the rainbow gathering. Most years I almost always get left behind. Guess they just don’t think I’m cool enough…

Foolish boys… I’d rock their world, too, if they just gave me the chance.

I’m not sure if we are really allowed to talk about it. It might be like one of thoooseclubs. The kind where the first rule is always, The first rule of __________ club is you never talk about ___________ club. He might be dead to you, but in my heart he is still alive.

Well, Wildflower, here is a big screw you with a smile and my middle finger flying high.

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-by Arian


 

Audio

Tunes Times Tuesday: Modest Mouse In Missoula – Yeeeeeeeeeah!!!

Tomorrow I am going to Big Sky Brewery to see Modest Mouse live!!!! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!!! Muah ha ha ha.. I’m supercali duper fragilisticexpialidocious uber excited (could you tell?)!

I have loved Modest Mouse ever since high-school, and they come to Montana a lot, but I have never gotten the chance to see them live.  Not only do I get to see one of my favorite bands ever, I also get to see them with one of my favorite person’s ever – one of my sisters’.  I’m sure there will be plenty of good friends there as well.  Why do I think that?.. Well, because it’s Modest Mouse.  I don’t think I have a single close friend who doesn’t enjoy listening to Modest Mouse.

I think Modest Mouse is probably the 1st indie band I ever liked.  Before boarding school I was more into the punk and goth scene.  Then I met a cute boy in boarding school who always played Modest Mouse on his guitar.  I instantly fell in love… with the band, not the boy… I swear.  I bought my first Modest Mouse cd – The Moon and Antarctica.  I would listen to it whenever I was upset or sick.  I bought some of their older albums later on and just will always be a fan.

Naturally, with it coming up tomorrow, I am going to share a few of my favorites:

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Anti-Autism Prejudice: Media, Parents, and Damaged Children

…”More importantly than that, so what if he is feeble-minded, which I take to be a euphemism for stupid and slow? Why is that a bad thing?

“Do we judge people’s quality and worth based on their intelligence, even setting aside that our notions of intelligence are themselves based on arbitrary and changing ideas?

Ultimately, however, as parents our children are our charge and our responsibility, whether we live in empathetic or cruel societies and no matter whether we are served or challenged by effective, ineffective, or counterproductive organizational influences.”

Living in a society as screwy as ours, it is best to just think of all our children as little Jedi. I empathize with the writer of this article and the writer of the article this article is in response to… because #EMPATHY
– ❤ Ari

Ray Hemachandra @ Golden Moon Publishing

Nicholas HemachandraMy son, Nicholas, was featured on the cover of the major western North Carolina weekly — the Mountain Xpress — a couple of weeks ago and the cover is, without question, The Best Cover Ever. Featuring a photograph by Tim Robison and art design by Megan Kirby, it’s something to frame for Nicholas’ lifetime.

Also, and sadly this part appeals to me, if I put it in a frame I won’t read the Mountain Xpress article, in which my family and two other families are profiled, again. And Nicholas won’t be able to read it, either.

When you’re unhappy with a piece you’re featured in, it’s always disorienting. You inevitably get lots of enthusiastic response from people who care about you and who think press coverage is a kind of special honor — mixed with upset response from people who care about you and know better.

You want to…

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