Welcome To My Crazy Life

One person's craziness is another person's reality

One person’s craziness is another person’s reality

I just sat there and stared blankly at my phone. Quietly going insane with nobody to talk to. The feeling of having nowhere to run to had slowly been sinking in for the past week. My skin was crawling. I wanted to scream…

My fears are controlling my life. I just want peace and serenity, but no. Instead I suffer miserably inside my own head. I’m scared to say what I am thinking. What if they don’t get it?

I looked back down at my phone.

Why isn’t he answering? I had never felt so alone and scared. Could he already be sleeping? Being alone was the last thing I wanted. I needed him to be holding me and whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok. Nobody was going to hurt me… But I was alone and could not stop thinking about everything that was going wrong.

……………..

The words were ringing in my ears. It wasn’t anything that I did. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say about anything. What does everyone want from me? I’m doing the best that I can considering the circumstances.

Maybe it isn’t everyone else. Maybe it’s me. My past is haunting me and that is why I am terrified of the present. I’m so scared of my present I can’t even think about the future. The bad thing is that there really isn’t anything to be scared of in my present. I don’t even know what I’m scared of, honestly.

It’s the anxiety. It’s PTSD. It’s bipolar. It’s schizoaffectiveness disorder… Well, whatever it is, it isn’t fun.

Thinking about the last time I saw the doctor I get pissed and I want to cry at the same time. The stares with the underlying question, “what aren’t you telling me?” As if I haven’t told them enough sitting there shaking because of how frightened I am. But what am I frightened of?

Fear of loneliness. Fear of not being understood. Fear of rejection. Fear of commitment. Mostly fear of heartbreak. I suppose these are my fears. What happens now that I’m facing them? Will my anxiety cease?

Most likely I’ll continue to have these fears. Irrelevant or not, they are interfering with me living a normal life. I wish that I could say that I will cope, but honestly, I can’t set aside my fears long enough to focus on disctractions. I do have wonderful people in my life (my son and my boyfriend) who help the fears subside for some time, but the feeling is ever present.

I always compared myself to the saying, “you can’t go crazy if you’re already there.” It just seemed like a perfect quote because I was already crazy. Since I am no longer crazy and I am in fact going crazy, I think a new quotation is due. How about, “they think you are crazy and sad. They think you are weird and mad. They call you stupid and worthless and say you’re not worth it, but in someone’s eyes you are perfect.”

I could go a day without the voices.

-Ari

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Words That Need to be Said

The tears sting as they roll down my face…

……….

If only I never panicked, then you wouldn’t have to go.  The excuse, “my mental illness took over,” is no good reason for this seperation.  I wish there was someway for me to prove that you were never in danger – I was afraid of going away. I didn’t want to say good-bye.

You see, son, I never should have been driving that day.  My license was just suspended (meaning that I violated a traffic law so the judge didn’t want to allow me to drive for a little while) and I didn’t want to be stuck in Helena all summer.  I had already been planning on moving.  I thought it would be good to get away.  So when I noticed the policeman behind us I got scared because I was being naughty.

It’s even harder to explain to you, sweet child, then it was to the officers…  One of my turn-signals wasn’t working, and when the cruiser followed me my heart dropped into my stomach because I knew that I was going to have to go with them for a couple nights.  That’s when I entered another world, and I slowed down but literally, could not stop.  An invisible force wouldn’t allow it.  Now, to anybody else that would sound crazy, however, you are young and innocent and can believe in such phenomena in this nature.  To clear this up I never intended on, “getting away.”

To be completely honest, I think that I just needed a few more minutes to calm down and grasp the situation.  Anyways, I got into trouble because I was doing something I wasn’t suppose to be doing.  The policemen were disappointed in me, and even upset because I worried them a little.  With the police, if you don’t do what they ask right away they get concerned and start to think that something might be wrong.  So I was in even more trouble and that is when they let me call Papa to come get you. 

I only had to go away for just a little while, but during that time your daddy took it upon himself to make the decision for you to move in with him.  It’s been awhile since I got into trouble and I haven’t got use to you living with daddy instead of me.  Sometimes it makes me cry because I miss you so much.  It’s even harder to see you cry when I have to go. 

I don’t like to go.  It’s only for a little while.

……….

I don’t like looking back on things and calling them mistakes. I’d like to say that I live with no regrets. I am where I am because of choices I have made and this & that. I have learned my lessons enough for a lifetime though… I have done some stupid things and now suffer the consequences. My time away from Yuri is painful. Yes, I have some wonderful people over here in my corner who support me and guide me and that is great… But every day that Yuri is gone I suffer. I suffer inside because I did this and it’s pure agony.

There is more to the story, and you are free to make your judgements, but I must ask you to look at yourself first. Everyone is facing their own demons, and everyone can use one less judgement. The world would be a much better place if we instead tried to do a little more listening and understanding and a lot less gossiping and judging. That’s all.

-Ari

Saying Good-Bye to My Heart

As my mom drove away I felt as if a big piece of my heart was leaving me…

Fridays have become my favorite day of the week.  That’s the day I usually get Yuri ❤ and I am always eager to hold him in my arms again.  My [amazing] boyfriend usually gets his youngest daughter, who is Yuri’s age, to come along for the ride and we make the short trip from Anaconda to Helena.  Picking him up from school on Friday’s has become the single most-important thing for me to do.

When I walked in his school last Friday he looked at me with a beaming smile and yelled out my name (mommy).  It melted my heart 😍 to know how exicited little guy was to see me. The teacher said that Yuri had literally just got done telling them about how I was going to be there to pick him up.  He hurried to get his things and rushed out the door.  He said to me, “mommy, I missed you. Mommy, I love you”.

Our weekend was pretty alright.  He played with the girls some.  Saturday I took him to Discovery – I wanted to get him up there before the season ended and he had been asking to go.  He was so excited to ride the “chair-lifter” again and he didn’t want me to ride the magic carpet with him because he could do it all by his self, the big guy.  That night we rented a Scooby-Doo movie and snuggled.  After I got him to sleep I got a little sad; tomorrow he would be going back with his dad.

I am thankful for my mother.  If I didn’t have my mom I would have to say good-bye to my son at noon on Sundays.  According to [somebody I hate] it’s only fair to “collect him back” at noon since I pick him up at noon.  Yeah that’s fair alright, considering he only allows me to have him four days a month.  Luckily I have a mom who is starting to care that makes sure she gets some time with her grandson who agrees to meet up on Sunday’s.

So, last Sunday we met in Butte. The kids got some icecream cones and floats while us adults talked.  Even though I was present, I was in another world.  I was having to say good-bye to my pride and joy again.  As soon as he saw his granny, he looked at her and then he looked at me and he ran up to hold on to my leg and started to cry softly.  If any of you other mother’s out there ever have this happen?  How do you deal with it?  It’s the worst feeling I ever experience.

As we said good-bye he started crying, saying that he didn’t want to go.  The look in his eyes made me feel like I was abandoning him and I wanted to cry… But I felt like I needed to stay strong – for me and him.  He did not want to go and letting him go was the last thing in the world I wanted.  I felt empty as my mother drove off.

There is nothing stopping me from keeping my son… Except the people in my life that say it’s better for me to comply with his father’s wishes until mediation is over and we go to court.  They also tell me that Yuri belongs with me.  If he does then why are they saying that I should go along with a control-freak’s wishes?  I know that their intentions are good but I just want to say, “exactly whose side are you on, anyways,”?

-Ari

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He Loves Me, Loves Me Not

“Ya oughtta be careful what you say around her. She’s the town spermologer”.

When I first heard these words I scoffed. So what, she can’t be all bad. I believe I can handle anything that comes my way; a gossip queen can’t do me no harm.

Or can she?

I went into work the next day, and Liz says to me, she says, “Mourning Wildflower…”. I about choked on my coffee. She looked me up and down with her one good eye – her bad eye glazed like a blueberry donut – hand on her hip – left foot tapping – arms crossed, “Well?”, she asked accusingly.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, miss”.

Crisis adverted. How did she know?

Randy’s birthday is coming up on the 27th. He would have been at Wildflower last week if the transmission hadn’t given out on the last home stretch. As soon as the little red Toyota broke down he took out his yellow bic-lighter. Map in flames he let it fall to the ground. As he stepped onto the pavement the tow truck pulled up. Some kind of birthday month.

Back at headquarters, I was fixing
the little problems Yuri and I was facing. One, I couldn’t go back to work knowing Liz was on to me. Two, it’s time to move on anyways . Catch ya’ll the flip side.

Duct-tape in hand, Randy skates over to the next lamp post.

“Ya didn’t have to quit, Ari.”

I hand him a poster. What was I supposed to do? Let them mock me about my dead boyfriend?

“I don’t think they were mocking you, hun. They were probably trying to help guide you”. He skated over to the cork-board kiosk and did a plea-aye.

I hand him another poster. I look down at my iPod. Everything on my grooveshark account is playing by twos… Whatever You Like, Whatever You Like, Bukowski, Bukowski, Montage, Montage, Doesn’t Remind Me, Doesn’t Remind Me… God, who’d wanna be such a control freak?

“You can throw them a curve-ball, A-train”.

Wildflower is a big, witch-y, family reunion held in the mountains of my beautiful home state. It’s host of some of the best disc-golf tossers in the nation. Every year we have a tournament in the hills. Every year the location changes. And every year only a select number of homies get the maps to our destination. I guess it’s kind of like a sub-let party of the rainbow gathering. Most years I almost always get left behind. Guess they just don’t think I’m cool enough…

Foolish boys… I’d rock their world, too, if they just gave me the chance.

I’m not sure if we are really allowed to talk about it. It might be like one of thoooseclubs. The kind where the first rule is always, The first rule of __________ club is you never talk about ___________ club. He might be dead to you, but in my heart he is still alive.

Well, Wildflower, here is a big screw you with a smile and my middle finger flying high.

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-by Arian


 

Map’s Little Treasures

Waters raged against the river bank, wind blew hard. Rena shivered as the sails flapped violently. We need to find shelter... Andy looked to the skies – clouds rapidly closed out the blue, changing to a dark grey. Sam took a pull from his flask wondering if they would make it. There were no trees in sight; thunder was coming, and with thunder comes lightning. Rena, Andy, and Sam had little time to devise a plan. They could not afford to fail.

Andy guessed they had about 20 minutes left until it began to pour. Sailing west while the wind blew to the east, they had no choice but to row. All they needed was to find a few trees to tie up the tarp. Too much was at stake to keep on – they wouldn’t be much use if the maps were soaked. They needed to pick up speed. He pulled out his telescope to search for refuge. Just beyond the bend, a minor climb up the mountain from the bank, was a patch of trees on a flat. A surge of relief powered through his bones. “Ahoy, mates! Home, just is around the bend!”

The wooden boat rocked back and forth as the waves splashed wildly up at them. Rena and Sam rowed with all the strength they had gathered together. Keeping up with the current was difficult as they were up against the wind, but they managed. Andy steered the ship’s wheel as they descended upon the northern-shore. Anchor dropped and sails secured -thunder rolled (one, two, three, four, five) and lightning crashed- they readied their packs for the hike.

Setting up camp proved to be more difficult than what they hoped for due to winds. As they ate berries from journey of yesterday’s, Sam took another pull of rum and listened to the rain pour loudly onto soil. This was day six away from their real temporary home. He grabbed his pack and pulled out his leather-bound and pen. He was to write his wife and to add the days routes to his maps.

Dearest Rosette,
It is day six and the rain has stalled our trip. We have travelled far and seen much. But I miss you… If only you had come with, I assure you, this miserable loneliness would cease to be

Sam stopped writing only to look up and see that Andy and Rena were interlocked in each other’s arms, lips gently pressed against each others. Chills crawled up his spine. He missed Rosette only that much more. Why didn’t she want to come with? After all, this journey was her idea. Newlyweds, Sam and Rosette discussed their future, Rosette wanting to move out west. Sam called for his cousin, Andy, and they developed plans to find a homestead in Montana… and then Rosette discovered she had became pregnant with child.

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You Oughtta Hear the Mirror In My House

You Oughtta Hear the Mirror In My House

through_the_looking_glass_by_LanWu Through the Looking Glass by LanWu of DeviantArt

Into the looking glass I see the elusive whore that is me.  Masked and tasteless, she has killed the dream that I dreamed.  Stitches falling apart at the seams, it matters no more what she screams into the inhospitable, isolated, nighttime air.  It isn’t her fault he has gone away.  Left me alone… only with a suitcase of memories… and the girl in the looking glass.

Our past haunts me as I ponder every waking breath.  She says I could leave all of this behind with time.  Even if I could, it won’t bring him back.

Turning away only gave me room to cleanse the mask. Inside of me still lies a dark paradise of  menacing, sinister, ominous delight. There may or may not be two more of me, conflicting spirits and energies. Stand beside me and see. He won’t…

Drowning in her own salty tears, I try to adjust to the imbalance of her abandoned life. Oh. No. I don’t feel pretty. It’s too late for me to turn back, I have come too far. I too begin to drown.

Rescued from a slowly sinking ship she cries with words of freedom. Shadowed wings of sincerity, hinting promises of liberty…  Alas, they came too soon. Shattered bones lying deep beneath, only coming up to prove she’s wrong, pulls her back into the darkness. She doesn’t want me anymore.

She sings to me, “That girl that you’ve been before, the one that you wish never existed. She is dead and gone and lying on the edge of a galactic abyss. You are not alone. There is no time for flight. Go ahead and blame Hollywood, but don’t let that feeling hold you down.” In her eyes, I will always be a monster. No sleep tonight… We’re on the night train.

by Arian ❤

 

P.S. If you click “Oughtta Hear The Mirror In My House”, the Title will take you to Anya Marina’s music video Miss Halfway.
P.P.S. If you click on “No sleep tonight”, the last sentence will take you to YouTube as well and you can hear LadyHawke’s song Cellophane. 🙂