I just sat there and stared blankly at my phone. Quietly going insane with nobody to talk to. The feeling of having nowhere to run to had slowly been sinking in for the past week. My skin was crawling. I wanted to scream…
My fears are controlling my life. I just want peace and serenity, but no. Instead I suffer miserably inside my own head. I’m scared to say what I am thinking. What if they don’t get it?
I looked back down at my phone.
Why isn’t he answering? I had never felt so alone and scared. Could he already be sleeping? Being alone was the last thing I wanted. I needed him to be holding me and whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok. Nobody was going to hurt me… But I was alone and could not stop thinking about everything that was going wrong.
The words were ringing in my ears. It wasn’t anything that I did. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say about anything. What does everyone want from me? I’m doing the best that I can considering the circumstances.
Maybe it isn’t everyone else. Maybe it’s me. My past is haunting me and that is why I am terrified of the present. I’m so scared of my present I can’t even think about the future. The bad thing is that there really isn’t anything to be scared of in my present. I don’t even know what I’m scared of, honestly.
It’s the anxiety. It’s PTSD. It’s bipolar. It’s schizoaffectiveness disorder… Well, whatever it is, it isn’t fun.
Thinking about the last time I saw the doctor I get pissed and I want to cry at the same time. The stares with the underlying question, “what aren’t you telling me?” As if I haven’t told them enough sitting there shaking because of how frightened I am. But what am I frightened of?
Fear of loneliness. Fear of not being understood. Fear of rejection. Fear of commitment. Mostly fear of heartbreak. I suppose these are my fears. What happens now that I’m facing them? Will my anxiety cease?
Most likely I’ll continue to have these fears. Irrelevant or not, they are interfering with me living a normal life. I wish that I could say that I will cope, but honestly, I can’t set aside my fears long enough to focus on disctractions. I do have wonderful people in my life (my son and my boyfriend) who help the fears subside for some time, but the feeling is ever present.
I always compared myself to the saying, “you can’t go crazy if you’re already there.” It just seemed like a perfect quote because I was already crazy. Since I am no longer crazy and I am in fact going crazy, I think a new quotation is due. How about, “they think you are crazy and sad. They think you are weird and mad. They call you stupid and worthless and say you’re not worth it, but in someone’s eyes you are perfect.”
I could go a day without the voices.
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