Welcome To My Crazy Life

One person's craziness is another person's reality

One person’s craziness is another person’s reality

I just sat there and stared blankly at my phone. Quietly going insane with nobody to talk to. The feeling of having nowhere to run to had slowly been sinking in for the past week. My skin was crawling. I wanted to scream…

My fears are controlling my life. I just want peace and serenity, but no. Instead I suffer miserably inside my own head. I’m scared to say what I am thinking. What if they don’t get it?

I looked back down at my phone.

Why isn’t he answering? I had never felt so alone and scared. Could he already be sleeping? Being alone was the last thing I wanted. I needed him to be holding me and whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok. Nobody was going to hurt me… But I was alone and could not stop thinking about everything that was going wrong.

……………..

The words were ringing in my ears. It wasn’t anything that I did. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say about anything. What does everyone want from me? I’m doing the best that I can considering the circumstances.

Maybe it isn’t everyone else. Maybe it’s me. My past is haunting me and that is why I am terrified of the present. I’m so scared of my present I can’t even think about the future. The bad thing is that there really isn’t anything to be scared of in my present. I don’t even know what I’m scared of, honestly.

It’s the anxiety. It’s PTSD. It’s bipolar. It’s schizoaffectiveness disorder… Well, whatever it is, it isn’t fun.

Thinking about the last time I saw the doctor I get pissed and I want to cry at the same time. The stares with the underlying question, “what aren’t you telling me?” As if I haven’t told them enough sitting there shaking because of how frightened I am. But what am I frightened of?

Fear of loneliness. Fear of not being understood. Fear of rejection. Fear of commitment. Mostly fear of heartbreak. I suppose these are my fears. What happens now that I’m facing them? Will my anxiety cease?

Most likely I’ll continue to have these fears. Irrelevant or not, they are interfering with me living a normal life. I wish that I could say that I will cope, but honestly, I can’t set aside my fears long enough to focus on disctractions. I do have wonderful people in my life (my son and my boyfriend) who help the fears subside for some time, but the feeling is ever present.

I always compared myself to the saying, “you can’t go crazy if you’re already there.” It just seemed like a perfect quote because I was already crazy. Since I am no longer crazy and I am in fact going crazy, I think a new quotation is due. How about, “they think you are crazy and sad. They think you are weird and mad. They call you stupid and worthless and say you’re not worth it, but in someone’s eyes you are perfect.”

I could go a day without the voices.

-Ari

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Words That Need to be Said

The tears sting as they roll down my face…

……….

If only I never panicked, then you wouldn’t have to go.  The excuse, “my mental illness took over,” is no good reason for this seperation.  I wish there was someway for me to prove that you were never in danger – I was afraid of going away. I didn’t want to say good-bye.

You see, son, I never should have been driving that day.  My license was just suspended (meaning that I violated a traffic law so the judge didn’t want to allow me to drive for a little while) and I didn’t want to be stuck in Helena all summer.  I had already been planning on moving.  I thought it would be good to get away.  So when I noticed the policeman behind us I got scared because I was being naughty.

It’s even harder to explain to you, sweet child, then it was to the officers…  One of my turn-signals wasn’t working, and when the cruiser followed me my heart dropped into my stomach because I knew that I was going to have to go with them for a couple nights.  That’s when I entered another world, and I slowed down but literally, could not stop.  An invisible force wouldn’t allow it.  Now, to anybody else that would sound crazy, however, you are young and innocent and can believe in such phenomena in this nature.  To clear this up I never intended on, “getting away.”

To be completely honest, I think that I just needed a few more minutes to calm down and grasp the situation.  Anyways, I got into trouble because I was doing something I wasn’t suppose to be doing.  The policemen were disappointed in me, and even upset because I worried them a little.  With the police, if you don’t do what they ask right away they get concerned and start to think that something might be wrong.  So I was in even more trouble and that is when they let me call Papa to come get you. 

I only had to go away for just a little while, but during that time your daddy took it upon himself to make the decision for you to move in with him.  It’s been awhile since I got into trouble and I haven’t got use to you living with daddy instead of me.  Sometimes it makes me cry because I miss you so much.  It’s even harder to see you cry when I have to go. 

I don’t like to go.  It’s only for a little while.

……….

I don’t like looking back on things and calling them mistakes. I’d like to say that I live with no regrets. I am where I am because of choices I have made and this & that. I have learned my lessons enough for a lifetime though… I have done some stupid things and now suffer the consequences. My time away from Yuri is painful. Yes, I have some wonderful people over here in my corner who support me and guide me and that is great… But every day that Yuri is gone I suffer. I suffer inside because I did this and it’s pure agony.

There is more to the story, and you are free to make your judgements, but I must ask you to look at yourself first. Everyone is facing their own demons, and everyone can use one less judgement. The world would be a much better place if we instead tried to do a little more listening and understanding and a lot less gossiping and judging. That’s all.

-Ari

Let Us Begin, Again

It’s been awhile.  I haven’t written for my blog since July of last year.  I’m not proud of myself.  I don’t really have an excuse except, I guess, the generic reply, “life caught up to me.”  I just let go of it for awhile.

Let’s see.. looking at my posts from last year between May and July it seems as if I was.. hmmmmm.. a littttle manic.  I had the ideas to write.  Some subjects were a little off the wall I can admit.  What do you expect?  I’m schizoaffective.  Others were well-written and important to me.  Now, however, I just can’t seem to get the creative-writing juices flowing.

I want this blog to be able to reach others like me.  Whether that is other unconventional mothers, girls who at times let their brain disorders get in the way of living their life, or just other bloggers who like to blog and read blogs like mine.  I have already met some very interesting people through wordpress.  We’ve shared views and gave our two cents.  There are also so many different subjects of interest in the blogging community.  I don’t know why I let myself slack on the bliggety-blogging.

I will have fun posts.  Serious posts.  Emotional posts.  True posts.  A few fictions here and there. Adventuresome posts. Poetic posts.  Hilarious posts.  Educational posts.  Offensive posts.  Inspiring posts.  All kinds of posts!

I suppose I can give myself the goal of posting once a week.  Such things as writing challenges with yeahwrite.com and journaling and surfing other blogs for ideas will help me with that.  I want to be able to find my writing style by posting often.  Find my voice.  Maybe one day something great will come of it.

So let me begin by telling you a little about myself:  Wait a minute… where has the rum gone?

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The Time-Travelin’ VW

Time-travel! What a concept! Going forward into the future or back in time knowing that every move you make must be taken with caution – if you aren’t careful the whole ripple (butterfly) effect could ruin things you have no control of. Visiting places of ruins, times of chivalry, the unknown. We all are just pawns stuck in the game of life after all, is moving forward through time really the only path to take?

I have had multiple nights where my dreams have taken me through time and space. I am not sure about everybody, but, I myself believe that dreams are subconscious memories and thoughts trying to speak to us. Dreams are keys to a different reality. Maybe the time-traveling dreams represent a different life I have lived, have yet to live, or could live. Can I really live these other lives?

If I could, let’s say, become the girl I am in my dreams… would I be able to find the key to an actual ride out of this reality? I know this sounds absolutely crazy. A girl can hope, right? I am just in love with the idea…

Little Yuri, and me, traveling through space and time in search for a great escape… Instead of a Delorean we would have our orange ’74 Volkswagen bug. We would go into the future to a time where we have found life on other planets. We would go to the times of dinosaurs. It would be a bitchin’ time.

To Be Continued…20140713-163819-59899144.jpg

Aside

Zombie Paradise

The wheels in my head are turning. Not necessarily in the right direction, they are turning though. Question me,and I will act dumb. Point at me I will act deaf. Touch me and I am blind. It’s strange.
On the road my heart feels as if it is mending. We started out lost and ended up in a town I could almost call my home. It’s got everything I would want in a town to raise a child. A slab of cement where skaters go. A lighted AND mini folf course. A bowling alley across the way. A couple of lakes near a ski hill. Camping is green and humid. And brick homes are for sale… but it’s lonely without… well… you.
I know you might be busy digging graves for our loved ones… mowing our huge families’ yards… seeing double while you shoot pool… and bonding out the bad ones… WE ALL LOVE YOU FOR THAT and you will forever be in my heart. You are still, in a way, my Jack – I hope you still think of me as Sally. I’m waiting for the other Burton boy to find me in my grave. Help him for me, please.
Leaving town won’t be easy. I love my life. My AMAZING friends and family here won’t be excited to see me go. I know where I like to shop; who makes the best coffee; where the cool folks go for a beer; and where all the cool spots are. Oh, and I mustn’t forget Yuri’s father. It’s something that needs to happen though.
For the last 10 years, every other year I’ve had a mental slip. Something has happened each time that caused a trembling reaction from me. The first time I got caught with weed my freshman year in high-school. I was supposed to be sent to a youth ranch so I stole my parents van and drove to Salt Lake City. A reaction that landed me in a wilderness survival program and boarding school for a year. Last time a friend I held dearly to my heart died. I turned into a pitiful bar attendee who didn’t buy any drinks but instead made origami ships and airplanes out of money – a reaction that landed me in jail.

Apparently I am no longer afraid of change. I repeat: CHANGE DOES NOT SCARE ME.
Ok, so maybe some things scare me… Like when back roads come to a dead end stop. Or when the waiter buys my kid’s meals. Or when the parents at the parks are on the same page as me… Like when the peace officer behind you turns their lights on then flies right past you. That kind of scary.
It all can be scary.

Hey look, there is a new definition for fine. I use to relate it with being fucked up, insecure to the bones, neurotic to the teeth, and emotionally unstable. Now when I say fine, You can understand it as: I’m a Fun-lovin’, International Native Equestrian! Because of my search for the last unicorn? Ha!20140710-233859-85139388.jpg
Just to keep you on point.

And since it’s what the kids call throwback thursday, here’s a drawing I started sometime last year and never finished.

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Missed Opportunities

 I woke up this morning in a fit of confusion.  I am torn about certain life-decisions that make no sense to me.  It didn’t help that my dreams were all unfocused and screwy.  I had to get going though – I had to get to work.

          I wrote down today’s schedule for the nanny (which happens to be Yuri’s auntie).  When I said good-bye and gave my kisses, Yuri decided to grab onto my leg and not let go.  He wanted to come to work with me.  I couldn’t get out of the house on time… that’s when I knew the day was going to be a weird one.

          My car was on empty.  I was out of money so I had to go to the bank to cash a money order from Yuri’s dad.  Problem?  There was a new bank teller.  She didn’t know where to look for the water mark on the postal service money order.  I even told her to hold it up to the light and look in the middle.  She wouldn’t cash it.. even though I’ve been cashing the child support checks there for months.

       I Had to make the drive to the post office, and I knew that by the time I got there I would be running late for work.  When I got there it was packed.  The lady at the register told me that they didn’t have enough money in the till, just the hundred they started out with.  Lucky for me the guy behind me had to make a money order for $250.  I probably would have had better luck standing at the street corner… or at least that’s what one of the captain’s I work with thought.

          The gas station was packed as well.  I had to pump the gas myself.  Went a nickel over.  By the time I hit the road I knew I was going to be at least ten minutes late.

          Ten minutes late for work and the boat captain asked if he could open the door for me like I did for him.  It was the least he could do.  Boss got the son to go to town to get the fixed ice-cream machine. Hallelujah!

          Two different planned weddings that I could miss.

Map’s Little Treasures

Waters raged against the river bank, wind blew hard. Rena shivered as the sails flapped violently. We need to find shelter... Andy looked to the skies – clouds rapidly closed out the blue, changing to a dark grey. Sam took a pull from his flask wondering if they would make it. There were no trees in sight; thunder was coming, and with thunder comes lightning. Rena, Andy, and Sam had little time to devise a plan. They could not afford to fail.

Andy guessed they had about 20 minutes left until it began to pour. Sailing west while the wind blew to the east, they had no choice but to row. All they needed was to find a few trees to tie up the tarp. Too much was at stake to keep on – they wouldn’t be much use if the maps were soaked. They needed to pick up speed. He pulled out his telescope to search for refuge. Just beyond the bend, a minor climb up the mountain from the bank, was a patch of trees on a flat. A surge of relief powered through his bones. “Ahoy, mates! Home, just is around the bend!”

The wooden boat rocked back and forth as the waves splashed wildly up at them. Rena and Sam rowed with all the strength they had gathered together. Keeping up with the current was difficult as they were up against the wind, but they managed. Andy steered the ship’s wheel as they descended upon the northern-shore. Anchor dropped and sails secured -thunder rolled (one, two, three, four, five) and lightning crashed- they readied their packs for the hike.

Setting up camp proved to be more difficult than what they hoped for due to winds. As they ate berries from journey of yesterday’s, Sam took another pull of rum and listened to the rain pour loudly onto soil. This was day six away from their real temporary home. He grabbed his pack and pulled out his leather-bound and pen. He was to write his wife and to add the days routes to his maps.

Dearest Rosette,
It is day six and the rain has stalled our trip. We have travelled far and seen much. But I miss you… If only you had come with, I assure you, this miserable loneliness would cease to be

Sam stopped writing only to look up and see that Andy and Rena were interlocked in each other’s arms, lips gently pressed against each others. Chills crawled up his spine. He missed Rosette only that much more. Why didn’t she want to come with? After all, this journey was her idea. Newlyweds, Sam and Rosette discussed their future, Rosette wanting to move out west. Sam called for his cousin, Andy, and they developed plans to find a homestead in Montana… and then Rosette discovered she had became pregnant with child.

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