Welcome To My Crazy Life

One person's craziness is another person's reality

One person’s craziness is another person’s reality

I just sat there and stared blankly at my phone. Quietly going insane with nobody to talk to. The feeling of having nowhere to run to had slowly been sinking in for the past week. My skin was crawling. I wanted to scream…

My fears are controlling my life. I just want peace and serenity, but no. Instead I suffer miserably inside my own head. I’m scared to say what I am thinking. What if they don’t get it?

I looked back down at my phone.

Why isn’t he answering? I had never felt so alone and scared. Could he already be sleeping? Being alone was the last thing I wanted. I needed him to be holding me and whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok. Nobody was going to hurt me… But I was alone and could not stop thinking about everything that was going wrong.

……………..

The words were ringing in my ears. It wasn’t anything that I did. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say about anything. What does everyone want from me? I’m doing the best that I can considering the circumstances.

Maybe it isn’t everyone else. Maybe it’s me. My past is haunting me and that is why I am terrified of the present. I’m so scared of my present I can’t even think about the future. The bad thing is that there really isn’t anything to be scared of in my present. I don’t even know what I’m scared of, honestly.

It’s the anxiety. It’s PTSD. It’s bipolar. It’s schizoaffectiveness disorder… Well, whatever it is, it isn’t fun.

Thinking about the last time I saw the doctor I get pissed and I want to cry at the same time. The stares with the underlying question, “what aren’t you telling me?” As if I haven’t told them enough sitting there shaking because of how frightened I am. But what am I frightened of?

Fear of loneliness. Fear of not being understood. Fear of rejection. Fear of commitment. Mostly fear of heartbreak. I suppose these are my fears. What happens now that I’m facing them? Will my anxiety cease?

Most likely I’ll continue to have these fears. Irrelevant or not, they are interfering with me living a normal life. I wish that I could say that I will cope, but honestly, I can’t set aside my fears long enough to focus on disctractions. I do have wonderful people in my life (my son and my boyfriend) who help the fears subside for some time, but the feeling is ever present.

I always compared myself to the saying, “you can’t go crazy if you’re already there.” It just seemed like a perfect quote because I was already crazy. Since I am no longer crazy and I am in fact going crazy, I think a new quotation is due. How about, “they think you are crazy and sad. They think you are weird and mad. They call you stupid and worthless and say you’re not worth it, but in someone’s eyes you are perfect.”

I could go a day without the voices.

-Ari

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Words That Need to be Said

The tears sting as they roll down my face…

……….

If only I never panicked, then you wouldn’t have to go.  The excuse, “my mental illness took over,” is no good reason for this seperation.  I wish there was someway for me to prove that you were never in danger – I was afraid of going away. I didn’t want to say good-bye.

You see, son, I never should have been driving that day.  My license was just suspended (meaning that I violated a traffic law so the judge didn’t want to allow me to drive for a little while) and I didn’t want to be stuck in Helena all summer.  I had already been planning on moving.  I thought it would be good to get away.  So when I noticed the policeman behind us I got scared because I was being naughty.

It’s even harder to explain to you, sweet child, then it was to the officers…  One of my turn-signals wasn’t working, and when the cruiser followed me my heart dropped into my stomach because I knew that I was going to have to go with them for a couple nights.  That’s when I entered another world, and I slowed down but literally, could not stop.  An invisible force wouldn’t allow it.  Now, to anybody else that would sound crazy, however, you are young and innocent and can believe in such phenomena in this nature.  To clear this up I never intended on, “getting away.”

To be completely honest, I think that I just needed a few more minutes to calm down and grasp the situation.  Anyways, I got into trouble because I was doing something I wasn’t suppose to be doing.  The policemen were disappointed in me, and even upset because I worried them a little.  With the police, if you don’t do what they ask right away they get concerned and start to think that something might be wrong.  So I was in even more trouble and that is when they let me call Papa to come get you. 

I only had to go away for just a little while, but during that time your daddy took it upon himself to make the decision for you to move in with him.  It’s been awhile since I got into trouble and I haven’t got use to you living with daddy instead of me.  Sometimes it makes me cry because I miss you so much.  It’s even harder to see you cry when I have to go. 

I don’t like to go.  It’s only for a little while.

……….

I don’t like looking back on things and calling them mistakes. I’d like to say that I live with no regrets. I am where I am because of choices I have made and this & that. I have learned my lessons enough for a lifetime though… I have done some stupid things and now suffer the consequences. My time away from Yuri is painful. Yes, I have some wonderful people over here in my corner who support me and guide me and that is great… But every day that Yuri is gone I suffer. I suffer inside because I did this and it’s pure agony.

There is more to the story, and you are free to make your judgements, but I must ask you to look at yourself first. Everyone is facing their own demons, and everyone can use one less judgement. The world would be a much better place if we instead tried to do a little more listening and understanding and a lot less gossiping and judging. That’s all.

-Ari

Saying Good-Bye to My Heart

As my mom drove away I felt as if a big piece of my heart was leaving me…

Fridays have become my favorite day of the week.  That’s the day I usually get Yuri ❤ and I am always eager to hold him in my arms again.  My [amazing] boyfriend usually gets his youngest daughter, who is Yuri’s age, to come along for the ride and we make the short trip from Anaconda to Helena.  Picking him up from school on Friday’s has become the single most-important thing for me to do.

When I walked in his school last Friday he looked at me with a beaming smile and yelled out my name (mommy).  It melted my heart 😍 to know how exicited little guy was to see me. The teacher said that Yuri had literally just got done telling them about how I was going to be there to pick him up.  He hurried to get his things and rushed out the door.  He said to me, “mommy, I missed you. Mommy, I love you”.

Our weekend was pretty alright.  He played with the girls some.  Saturday I took him to Discovery – I wanted to get him up there before the season ended and he had been asking to go.  He was so excited to ride the “chair-lifter” again and he didn’t want me to ride the magic carpet with him because he could do it all by his self, the big guy.  That night we rented a Scooby-Doo movie and snuggled.  After I got him to sleep I got a little sad; tomorrow he would be going back with his dad.

I am thankful for my mother.  If I didn’t have my mom I would have to say good-bye to my son at noon on Sundays.  According to [somebody I hate] it’s only fair to “collect him back” at noon since I pick him up at noon.  Yeah that’s fair alright, considering he only allows me to have him four days a month.  Luckily I have a mom who is starting to care that makes sure she gets some time with her grandson who agrees to meet up on Sunday’s.

So, last Sunday we met in Butte. The kids got some icecream cones and floats while us adults talked.  Even though I was present, I was in another world.  I was having to say good-bye to my pride and joy again.  As soon as he saw his granny, he looked at her and then he looked at me and he ran up to hold on to my leg and started to cry softly.  If any of you other mother’s out there ever have this happen?  How do you deal with it?  It’s the worst feeling I ever experience.

As we said good-bye he started crying, saying that he didn’t want to go.  The look in his eyes made me feel like I was abandoning him and I wanted to cry… But I felt like I needed to stay strong – for me and him.  He did not want to go and letting him go was the last thing in the world I wanted.  I felt empty as my mother drove off.

There is nothing stopping me from keeping my son… Except the people in my life that say it’s better for me to comply with his father’s wishes until mediation is over and we go to court.  They also tell me that Yuri belongs with me.  If he does then why are they saying that I should go along with a control-freak’s wishes?  I know that their intentions are good but I just want to say, “exactly whose side are you on, anyways,”?

-Ari

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Let Us Begin, Again

It’s been awhile.  I haven’t written for my blog since July of last year.  I’m not proud of myself.  I don’t really have an excuse except, I guess, the generic reply, “life caught up to me.”  I just let go of it for awhile.

Let’s see.. looking at my posts from last year between May and July it seems as if I was.. hmmmmm.. a littttle manic.  I had the ideas to write.  Some subjects were a little off the wall I can admit.  What do you expect?  I’m schizoaffective.  Others were well-written and important to me.  Now, however, I just can’t seem to get the creative-writing juices flowing.

I want this blog to be able to reach others like me.  Whether that is other unconventional mothers, girls who at times let their brain disorders get in the way of living their life, or just other bloggers who like to blog and read blogs like mine.  I have already met some very interesting people through wordpress.  We’ve shared views and gave our two cents.  There are also so many different subjects of interest in the blogging community.  I don’t know why I let myself slack on the bliggety-blogging.

I will have fun posts.  Serious posts.  Emotional posts.  True posts.  A few fictions here and there. Adventuresome posts. Poetic posts.  Hilarious posts.  Educational posts.  Offensive posts.  Inspiring posts.  All kinds of posts!

I suppose I can give myself the goal of posting once a week.  Such things as writing challenges with yeahwrite.com and journaling and surfing other blogs for ideas will help me with that.  I want to be able to find my writing style by posting often.  Find my voice.  Maybe one day something great will come of it.

So let me begin by telling you a little about myself:  Wait a minute… where has the rum gone?