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Throwback: Early Life of an Introvert

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my only friends as a child were dolls and stuffed animals, apparently…

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You Oughtta Hear the Mirror In My House

You Oughtta Hear the Mirror In My House

through_the_looking_glass_by_LanWu Through the Looking Glass by LanWu of DeviantArt

Into the looking glass I see the elusive whore that is me.  Masked and tasteless, she has killed the dream that I dreamed.  Stitches falling apart at the seams, it matters no more what she screams into the inhospitable, isolated, nighttime air.  It isn’t her fault he has gone away.  Left me alone… only with a suitcase of memories… and the girl in the looking glass.

Our past haunts me as I ponder every waking breath.  She says I could leave all of this behind with time.  Even if I could, it won’t bring him back.

Turning away only gave me room to cleanse the mask. Inside of me still lies a dark paradise of  menacing, sinister, ominous delight. There may or may not be two more of me, conflicting spirits and energies. Stand beside me and see. He won’t…

Drowning in her own salty tears, I try to adjust to the imbalance of her abandoned life. Oh. No. I don’t feel pretty. It’s too late for me to turn back, I have come too far. I too begin to drown.

Rescued from a slowly sinking ship she cries with words of freedom. Shadowed wings of sincerity, hinting promises of liberty…  Alas, they came too soon. Shattered bones lying deep beneath, only coming up to prove she’s wrong, pulls her back into the darkness. She doesn’t want me anymore.

She sings to me, “That girl that you’ve been before, the one that you wish never existed. She is dead and gone and lying on the edge of a galactic abyss. You are not alone. There is no time for flight. Go ahead and blame Hollywood, but don’t let that feeling hold you down.” In her eyes, I will always be a monster. No sleep tonight… We’re on the night train.

by Arian ❤

 

P.S. If you click “Oughtta Hear The Mirror In My House”, the Title will take you to Anya Marina’s music video Miss Halfway.
P.P.S. If you click on “No sleep tonight”, the last sentence will take you to YouTube as well and you can hear LadyHawke’s song Cellophane. 🙂

 

The Unbearable Cuteness of Being

Gahhhh! Bears are just so damn cute!!!

Off the Beaten Path: Hikes, Backpacks, and Travels

Sure, bears can be cute.   That Yogi, he’s pretty dapper.   But bear cubs? Now that’s some unbearable cuteness.*

(* thanks, Linda!)

And everyone in Yellowstone thinks so, too.  A mama bear with a cub is sure to bring out the crowds.

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Of course we stop when we see this kind of action.  And it’s worth it to see a mama black bear and a tiny cub of the year foraging just a couple of hundred feet from the road.

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We thought there was only one cub, but suddenly mom turned her attention to something in a nearby tree.    It seemed like mom wanted junior to climb, but he wasn’t so keen on the idea:

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We heard bawling from high in the tree…a second cub!

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No, wait…there are two in the tree!  They look like spider monkeys as they climb down.

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Mama bear and three tiny cubs, totally oblivious to the madly…

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Tunes Times Tuesday’s #3: Civil Unrest Tour

This last Wednesday I was lucky enough to attend the Civil Unrest Tour in Butte with a couple of my greatest friends. Thira, Smile Empty Soul, Dope, Otep, and Wayne Static of Static-X all delivered a mind-blowing musical presentation that melted all of our faces off and got the hearts pumping enough to even dance. It was a blast! I am having metal music concert nostalgia so I decided to refresh my memory by dedicating this Tunes Times Tuesday to the tour. \m/ Rock on, my friends! \m/

I’ll begin with the 1st band that I saw… Thira! They are Industrial Groove Metal, but they reminded me of aliens and time-travel! 😉

I got to take a picture with the drummer, Digg.

Drummer of Thira

Drummer of Thira

Thira – To Fracture

I will climb out of this,

These words fall flat

Here I am again,

Broken apart in front of reason

Set in these ways,

Bent bones draped in flesh,

Grasping but never reaching it

Thira – Grasping at Straws

This denial is the only thing steady enough to hold onto. Close, quickest to reach, keeping safe and the same. But only shreds remain. This shroud is tearing, slipping through these fingers. Aching hands burn too frozen to release this. They won’t tighten. They can’t hold onto these lies anymore. Now offered only fleeting glimpses of the once impenetrable barrier- a shield against this truth, torn apart by mistakes ignored. This denial is now no longer strong enough to hold onto. It drifts away with all that was truth before this fall. These illusions are tearing themselves apart, but are only essential to themselves. This hell, this is borne from these facades. They are borne from us.

Thira live at the Civil Unrest Tour

………………..

Next was Smile Empty Soul! Skater boys!

We got a picture with the whole band!

Just us and the band!

Just us and the band!

Smile Empty Soul – Bottom of a Bottle

Been scared and lonely
I’ve asked myself is something wrong with you
My girlfriend told me
I need some time alone to deal with issues

But something makes me carry on
It’s difficult to understand
Why I always wanna fly

I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

Smile Empty Soul – Nowhere Kids

we are the people that you hate
we are the bastards that you created (the fucking bastards that you created)
a generation with no place
a generation of all your sons and daughters

and what did you expect … a perfect child
raised by tv sets … abandoned every mile
we never get respect … never a fair trial
no one gives a shit … as long as we smile
Smile Empty Soul – Chemicals
Every time I see your face
I’m leaving with a bitter taste my friend
And every time I hear your voice
You’re leaving me with little choice my friendBut there ain’t nothing left here for you to say, you shut your mouth
I’m gonna put a bullet into your brain and shut you down
When there ain’t nothing left here for you to say, I shut you out
Another side effect of the chemicals I take
………………………
DOPE! they sure sent me through a time-warp…
Dope performing

Dope performing

dope – everything sucks

If somebody’s askin I’ve gone away
Yeah somebody’s packin and gone today
The summer was lovely and I enjoyed my stay
Maybe I’ll be back one day
Sorry to hurry but I’ll miss my plane

Don’t worry about me I’ll be okay
See ya the next time, maybe I’ll stop by
Maybe, Well, I’ll try
Hopefully but I guess
I never cared that much
I never kept in touch
And most of all what really sucks is
Everything and all of us

dope – debonaire

I don’t need diamond rings or high priced suits that shine
Limousines and flashy things or ancient bottled wine
Designer names and lavish things and million dollar hair
Bonny Dames without a brain I never really cared
I dont care nothin about it wow yeah
I dont care for glitzy things or a fancy neighborhood
Glamor games or plastic fame or the king of Hollywood
Dazzling flamboyant things or a top hat on my head
Or modeling for magazines and to be a debonaire
I dont care nothing about it wow yeah

dope – bitch

There’s something about the way we slide
There’s something about this psycho ride
There’s something about the things we do
Something’s got me and I just can’t seem to choose
I want you
I hate you
The one I love I hate
But the sex is great
The one I love I hate
So I contemplate
The one I love I hate
But the sex is great

………………………….

The biggest reason we went was Otep, and she was fantastic!

Otep signing Brit's arm

Otep signing Brit’s arm

Otep – Ghost Flowers

She’s a killer,
She’s a keeper.
Well I’m a blurr
in your vision,
Was it just
a poor decision?

Cut me open
With percision,
And my finger,
Thee incision.
Tell me what have I done…
Quit pro quo
To watch you lose
CONTROL

Otep – Confrontation

My religion of resistance
Challenging everything

Radicals & dissidents
Of creativity

We are the children
Of the siege you hide
In this rich man’s war
Where the poor just die

More deception & greed
More wars & disease

More lies from the hive mind
That seek to deceive

A weak nation of need
Like silent thieves in the night

Its a rich man’s war
But it’s the poor that die

Otep – Breed (Nirvana cover)

I don’t care
I don’t care
I don’t care
I don’t care
I don’t care
Care if it’s old
I don’t mind
I don’t mind
I don’t mind
I don’t mind
I don’t mind
Mind, I don’t have a mind
Get away
Get away
Get away
Get away
Away, away from your home
I’m afraid
I’m afraid
I’m afraid
I’m afraid
Afraid, afraid of a ghost

Even if you have
Even if you need
I don’t mean to stare
We don’t have to breed
We can plant a house
We can build a tree
I don’t even care
We could have all three
She said
She said
She said
She said
She said
She said
She said
She said

…………………………….

And finally, Wayne Static of Static-X.. who was unreal..

Bass guitarist for Wayne Static

Bass guitarist for Wayne Static

Wayne Static – She

I’m not scared
Always be prepared
Living life like a scarecrow
There’s no time for sleep
And I’m not scarred
Though peeling away
Peeling away all the layers
This is the real me
This is the real me

Wayne Static – Get It Together

End of night
The beginning
This infernal
Trade it all
Do it over so forgetful
See the light
It all happens for a reason
Time to kill this unending season
There’s no lying
Deepest darkest
I’m accepting it’s the hardest
Take my body
Take away the hesitation
Take away the sensation

and to throwback a bit… Static-X – Not Meant For Me

I’m trapped in this world
Lonely and fading
Heartbroke and waiting
For you to come
We are stuck in this world
That’s not meant for me
For me

So, what you got
One last shot
It seems to me
That you’re not needed
Come on
It’s killing me, let’s see
You got the gall
Come take it all

…………………………..

Overall the show was a success.. I don’t go to many metal shows, I always seem to have a ton of fun when I do though. Back in November I got to see Rob Zombie and KORN in Butte as well. I might as well throw in a few songs from them! XD

Rob Zombie in Butte!

Rob Zombie in Butte!

Rob Zombie – Lords of Salem

I speak the truth,
I dare not tell a lie,
One child is in fits,
The other child dies,
Now the yellow bird sits upon her finger,
The yellow bird a specter lost to linger,

God Hates – The Lords of Salem,
No can ever save them,
God Hates – The Lords of Salem,
No one can destroy them,

Rob Zombie – Living Dead Girl

(What are you thinking about)
(What are you thinking about)

Rage in the cage
And piss upon the stage
There’s only one sure way
To bring the giant down
Defunct the strings
Of cemetery things
With one flat foot
On the devil’s wing

Rob Zombie – Dead City Radio and the New Gods of Supertown

Is there life beyond what you know?
Hallucination thrives on my stereo
Astonishing Skeptics
Wasted Youth
She’s an Angel of Odd in her Birthday Suit

Turn it up turn it up turn it up
Oh Yeah

We listen to the Radio – Dead Radio
We listen to the Radio – Dead Radio

Ending this music blog with some Korn this week…

KORN in Butte!

KORN in Butte!

korn – freak on a leash

Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something’s raped and taken from me… from me.
Life’s got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can’t they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can’t I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain… in vain.
Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it’s my life I can’t taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You’ll never see me fall from grace
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
A cheap fuck for me to lay
Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free… is free

korn ft. skrillex – get up (sucker punch)

I, I am clearly broken and no one knows what to do
Pieces of the puzzle don’t fit, so, I pound them into you
Itching is the pulse inside
Creeping out to come alive
It’s just doing what it’s gonna do

Times are looking grim these days
Holding on to everything
It’s hard to draw the line

korn – never never

I don’t ever wanna have to try.
Though I lie, It never flies.
I don’t ever wanna have to die.
But deep inside, The death it hides.
And I never wanna clarify and justify so I run and hide.
And I never wanna signify so I pacify all the hate inside.

Signing out – Ari

P.S. Here is an article Smile Empty Soul shared on there Facebook that describes the show in Butte pretty well. Only minus Otep and this was when the tour hit Cali. 5/23

I Won’t Fight…

I don’t want to fight anymore…

I was 19 when I first met him. We worked together. I was head over heels for him. Basically, I would do anything he asked me to if it made him happy. I was a pathetic puppy that was depressed and uncomfortable if he wasn’t near.

I am 25 now. Six long, messed up years have passed. There was so much fighting. Even more tears. Underneath all of that though… underneath all of the lies and the cheating, the drugs and the stealing… there was love. There has always been that love, and there always will be. At least, I will always have love for him.

The abuse had always been present since the very beginning. It started with the emotional abuse. Then came the drug abuse. Last of all, what is a fucked up, completely suicidal relationship without the physical abuse? Any form of abusive relationship you can think of could categorize with his and mine. We were not a happy couple.

I was 21 when I got pregnant, and that was when I decided I wasn’t going to fight back anymore. I still loved him though and it was very hard to let go. I suffered through more of the abuse and we eventually ended up living together. It only lasted for so long before it got too intense for me. He stole my medication one night before he went out drinking with some friends. When he got back he was blacked out and belligerent. I will spare you the gruesome details, but I will tell you this, I ended up calling the police and getting a restraining order that night. I also dropped out of my college classes that week. I was heartbroken.

I ended up in the psych ward while our families took care of our 6 mo. old baby boy.

I don’t want to fight anymore…

It’s been a long road – not one that I would advise just anybody to travel down. Yuri is 3 now, he will be 4 in October. He is such a smart, sweet, caring, and comforting little boy. He loves his daddy very much… I still wince whenever his daddy moves too quickly or suddenly. I also have trust issues – I tend to lay my trust with people that aren’t worthy of it. Things aren’t as they seem.

Earlier in the month, Yuri’s dad served me with custody paperwork. I feel like I am being suffocated. He waited until I am at my most vulnerable to attack. Again.

It’s been about two years since he proposed to me. The night he proposed was when it finally hit me that I was unhappy. It was a huge slap in the face to realize that I was wasting my time with somebody I loved so much. Wasting my time because I knew that the fighting would never cease to be. Wasting my time because I put in 90% of the effort to make things work between us. Wasting my time because he was still under the impression that he couldn’t do things anymore because of our son. When I said no, that’s when my hopes of him being a good father started to spiral downwards and they spiraled fast.

He quit his job and hitch-hiked to the coast. He met a young girl who was a prostitute, apparently, and traveled the coast with her and their road companion. It occurred to me then that this man would never be able to experience the same feelings that I held for our baby boy. This was when I tried to get custody with the courts. Custody that they wouldn’t give to me because the boys father had no mailing address. Custody they wouldn’t grant me because his dead-beat father wasn’t around anyways. Custody that he now has a right to, because his new girlfriend wants him to be a father.

I don’t want to fight anymore…

I have called the authorities on Yuri’s father at least once a year since he was conceived. He has tossed me around many more times than that – including while I was pregnant. I never followed through on pressing charges. I thought that it would only fuel his anger and resentment towards me and our son. About a month ago, I went to pick up my son after snowboarding for the day and he refused to hand him over. He called the cops on me. He told them that I had been drinking and that he didn’t feel comfortable with handing over the parenting responsibilities to me at the time..

It is true that I had been drinking that day, however, I had not had a drink for a few hours and was sober by the time I had gotten there. The police officers released custody to me that night and did not leave without warning me in front of Yuri’s dad to file for a parenting plan with the county judge. I said to them, I said, “This is something I will not give the government control of.” A week later I was served the paperwork.

Maybe I am letting my pride get in the way. Maybe it’s because I know he just needs control. Maybe it’s because this is about more than just power. Maybe it’s because I am weak. Or maybe…

I don’t want to fight anymore…

I am not filing the paperwork to petition back. If he wants control this bad I will let him have it. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to handle this situation like civil parents – opportunities he refused to grasp. He is the one that chose to be a dead-beat for the first three years of our child’s life, if he wants to make things harder for his son out of revenge for me that is his call. In the end it will be his guilty conscience on the line. In the end I know that I did everything I could to include him in our life.

I don’t want anyone to think I am giving up on my son, because that is not the case. I simply am just tired of fighting with his father. If control is what he needs right now, I will let him have it; I will never give up on giving my son the life he deserves just because his father is in control. I am not giving up on my son because I won’t pay the fee to petition a custody-battle against his father. I just won’t do it. Why do I need to propose a war with the man that gave me the most important gift in life to prove my love for my child? No. I won’t do it.

He has changed a lot over the last year. I think his heart is growing, for our son at least. He is working and I don’t think he will keep me from having Yuri half- time. He just wanted control in writing… but I will not sign away my right as being a mother. Not to the government. I still have love for him, and I love my son to the moon and the stars and back. That is why I will end the war by not petitioning back. No war is a better war.

I don’t want to fight anymore… but I won’t give up on my son.

-Ari, ❤

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[Yuri from when he was just a couple months old]